lost in translation

i have been back from my asian adventure for more than two weeks now, and i am still struggling to find the words to sum up an experience that was simply indescribable.  for those of you who do not know, i spent two weeks traveling in bangkok and the northern hills of thailand studying social justice issues with a group of students from the university of san francisco.  after my program ended, pat came over and we traveled to phuket, thailand and then spent another week touring tokyo,japan.  to try and explain to you my month in asia would not only be impossible, but there aren't enough words in the english language to even be probable. but i guess i will give it a shot anyway.  here it goes...

amazingly heartbreaking  completely empowering  absolutely gorgeous  thoroughly humbling  constantly thrilling   obviously emotional  truly intense  unbelievably friendly  sadly hopeless  clearly enjoyable  instantly wonderful  always new  strangely familiar  extremely luxurious  incredibly life-changing  continuously terrifying  endlessly eye-opening and  simply incredible.

i realize these adjectives are probably vague, contradictory and in desperate need of an explanation.  but until i can find a way to take you all with me, these loose translations will simply have to do.  

there is nothing like returning to a place

that remains unchanged to find the ways

in which you yourself have altered

[nelson mandela]

grateful for (ten things)

the top ten things i was grateful as told to my friend cristina for her book-binding project.  she put together a two edition book entitled, "grateful for (ten things)" and compiled the lists of people she has encountered in her life.  here it is...

1. the only solid and crazy constant in my life: my family

2. my three best friends: they are the people who know me, appreciate me, and love me exactly as i am

3. the possibility of peace and positive change within our world

4. laughter: truly the only thing that keeps me grounded and enjoying life day by day

5. my past: the good memories, the bad times, and everything in between that shaped the person that i am today

6. the uncertainty of the future and the endless possibilities that i am so fortunate to have

7. my journal(s) and the therapeutic effect that it has on my sanity

8. traveling and the chance to experience and expose myself to nations, cultures, and people so different than myself

9. every smile that i come across on a day to day basis: it is the easiest and most sincere way to connect with others

10. this school and the opportunity to get a second chance at something that i value so deeply: my education

april twenty sixth two thousand six

in honor of my grandpa's passing two years ago, each of us found a unique way to connect to him and his everlasting presence in our lives. i decided to do what i love doing the most: thinking, writing, and reflecting. here is an excerpt of the extremely rough and incomplete letter i began writing to him.

dear gramps,

well... it has been two years now since you've left us. i'm not really sure why you had to go, but i guess you were part of a bigger plan than all of us could imagine. i can't tell you that 'i know you are in a better place' because i am being selfish- and i don't see how you not being here makes any sense at all. i guess i don't really have a choice, though, huh? so i've decided to fill you in on everything since we've left off. i think the hardest part is not writing to you, but realizing that i won't get a letter back. i think that is alright though... maybe it's more poetic and beautiful this way... leaving life open-ended an

d free for all possibilities. in any case... here i go...

[insert two years of the unpredictability and uncertainty of life here]

after a graduation, a new school, a trip to britain, years of making new friends and keeping old ones, a family lawsuit, annual tahoe trips, and a few years without you here, i think i am ready for whatever life decides to throws at me. i miss you, gramps, and i truly wish you were here to watch me live it and help me along the way. life is not the same without you, but i am trying to make you proud. in your famous words, i will constantly strive to be a leader and as always, i'll be keeping up the high standards.

love,

amanda

coming home

spring break came and went, and after watching many a basketball game, friends rerun, and blockbuster rental, i am back in the city by the bay.  its fun for me to go home, though i do love my life here in san francisco, there is something so pleasant about losing yourself within the comforts of the home you grew up in.  like i said, it was a week of continuous march madness games and relaxation on the couch.  however, i had the opportunity to watch 'into the wild', a fascinating movie about a young college graduate who leaves his family and the comforts of his home to live a complete natural life in the alaskan wilderness.  not only was the music, scenery, acting, and story absolutely incredible, but two weeks later i still can not seem to stop thinking about this man's story.  

*caution: spoiler for those of you who have not seen the movie coming up! this young man left all that seems comfortable to all of us, he gave away all that makes us feel secure, safe.  He wanted to find what was real, what was true behind this protected society that we live in.  he left it all to survive within the wilderness only to die of starvation.  many people i speak with about this movie explain how sad and depressing it was, but i tend to disagree.  there is something so beautiful in this man's search for the pure truth in his life and his extreme measures in finding it.  he wanted to weed away all of the things that contaminated the honesty of his existence.  sometimes i think how freeing and pure it would be to live a life as he did... no money, no career, nothing fake or forged about it.  it would be pure simplicity, pure independence, pure honesty.  

but i don't think i could do it...no.  though pure truth is what many of us, including myself, tend to search for, i do believe there is something so real and so authentic about coming home.

i'll paraphrase thoreau here: rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth

[into the wild]

run fat boy run

when I read that they were screening a new movie at the apple store downtown entitled 'run fat boy run', a british comedy about a man who leaves his pregnant fiance at the alter, i was vaguely if not at all interested.  you see traveling to downtown san francisco consists of waiting around at the bus stop for what seems like forever, sitting on a questionably sanitary seat next to a guy who strangely talks about horseradish(true story) only to get to your destination ten minutes late exhausted wondering if it was even worth it.  But when i saw that my favorite 'friends' star, director david schwimmer (aka ross) was going to be there, i had to take that chance.  

and i am so glad that i did!  not only did i get to stand within ten feet of a guy who consistently makes me laugh through ten seasons of my favorite show, but i also got to see clips of his new movie, which looks hilarious by the way.  it was hard to look at him as anyone else but ross, the goofy paleontologist that i came to love from the show.  but he really was a serious and engaging director, though i definitely still saw a hint of ross in his smile.  coincidentally, patrick had seen matthew perry (aka chandler) at a ducks game earlier this week.  we're just covering all the cast members of 'friends' lately!  i wouldn't be surprised if we came across phoebe sometime soon...

the most wasted day of all is that during which we have not laughed

[sebastian roch nicolas chamfort]

my unfinished stories

i've wanted to start a blog for a while now, and as i sit here in my dorm room neglecting the numerous bio psychology notecards sitting next to me, i thought now is as good a time as any.  I must warn you, the contents on this page are hardly anything too noteworthy, fascinating, or spectacular so for the few people that are reading this, i thoroughly appreciate your patience and curiosity.  

I guess I just have some unfinished stories to tell.

I promise to fill this page with as many interesting stories, thoughts, and photos that make up my life as i know it today, and everyday.   i guess this is just a new way of journaling for me, but instead of those used up written pages and ballpoint pens, i am resorting to a self-created webpage with html graphics and a URL.  so here it goes... my new online blog.  wow we really are in the digital age huh?

there is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you

[maya angelou]